Thursday, May 05, 2005

Self-Esteem of the Republican and Democratic Varieties

I'm compassionate because I've voted to spend the money that other people have earned on the social programs of my choice.

I'm sensitive because I've wrung my hands over the plights of the oppressed, supporting speech codes and hate crimes legislation.

I'm tolerant because my worldview contains, nay --- embraces contradiction. As a result, I'm all things to all people, except for those judgemental types who believe in absolute truth.

I'm progressive and with it because that is what I label my collectivist goals. Please don't mention that such goals have been set by the totalitarian administrations of the 20th century --- that will test my aforementioned tolerance.

I'm artistic since I love the arts so much that I support having other people pay for it through taxes and such.

I'm concerned about education, so I harass home-schoolers and support the NEA. See my compassion mentioned earlier for corroboration.

I'm tough on crime since I harass innocent citizens and refuse to let them carry and use firearms.

I'm concerned for security since I support the subsidization of the welfare-to-work program that lets me get frisked and searched every time I go through an airport, despite the fact that pedantic Protestants do not fit any known terrorist profile.

I support a right to life, namely, the mother's right to have a life, free of an inconvenient human being that would crimp her style.

Aren't I wonderful? I sure think so!


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