Sunday, July 31, 2005

Zubazintine Theology

There is a discussion of Zubizantine philosophy at the Crimson Catholic blog. This inspired me to discuss a similar theology that exploded on to the scene, but whose life was ephemeral.

One of the many examples of natural evil that weightlifters will cite is the clinginess of fabric as well as the tight seams rubbing the skin raw. Many have lost faith in God because the fabric of their exercise gear did not expand with their ever-bulging muscles.

It was at this time that a revival, or, at least, a theodicy was required.

Enter Zubaz-wear. As if God were giving proof that, yes, he did care about the comfort of muscle-bound gym-members, Zubaz wear stretched and expanded along with the muscles of the man who was pumping iron. This spawned Zubazantine Theology, whose heyday was in the early 1990's.

Basic tenets of Three-Point Zubazantine Theology may be summarized by the acronym "TGE":

(1) T --- tapered ankles on the pants, with the outer leg measurement exceeding the inner leg measurement, preventing the rubbing of fabric along one's inner thighs.

(2) G --- garish and ostentatious design is necessary, if only to attract a mate in lieu of giving off a scent.

(3) E --- elastic waistband for maximal comfort in bending over for various squat and rowing exercises.

A picture of Zubaz pants can be found here.

[[Where do I stand? Just as I uphold parts of TULIP but yet refuse to call myself "Reformed," I uphold the E and am a semi-T, but I'm not a Zubazintine. I consider G to be downright heretical, so I guess that makes me a 1.5-point Zubazintine.]]

But is Zubazintine theology the real deal? If so, it faded from the collective consciousness rather quickly. Many people joined the Church of Zubaz. Alas, the Church soon split into two- and single-point Zubazintines, with some upholding the T and the G, but at the same time denying the E. Some even went so far as to uphold merely the G.

Very quickly, it seems, those who had married into the spirit of the age soon found themselves as widowers. Let that be a lesson for those who today gauge their theology's practice and correctness according to the modern standards of tolerance, inclusion, and how warm-n-toasty it makes you feel...

3 Comments:

Blogger centuri0n said...

I can't believe this post got no comments.

On the other hand, it's just baptistic gnosticism. There's no reason to comment.

Monday, August 01, 2005 2:36:00 PM  
Blogger CrimsonCatholic said...

"Let that be a lesson for those who today gauge their theology's practice and correctness according to the modern standards of tolerance, inclusion, and how warm-n-toasty it makes you feel..."

Fortunately, we true Zoobies are fanatically intolerant of this blasphemous theology, which we refer to as the "Typographic Heresy." >:(

Monday, August 01, 2005 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

Frank --- I was very proud of myself after this post too. But, oh well...another attempt at humor meets the deafening silence from the nightclub crowd.

Perhaps a more Seinfeldian approach is needed: And WHAT'S the deal with Baptistic gnosticism?!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005 8:49:00 PM  

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