Monday, September 05, 2005

The Dating Game!

I was flipping through the gameshow channel during their 70's promotion, and I came across an episode of The Dating Game that was quite unlike any I had ever seen as a young boy growing up in front of the television set. I transcribed what I saw in the text below. Unfortunately, the videotape of the show was mailed to a friend in New Orleans, and, alas, the tape has been washed away, so you'll just have to take my word for it that I really did see such a show.

Yes, friends, it is time for another wacky episode of the Dating Game, where a charming bachelorette attempts to find true love by having her questions answered by our selected panel of three bachelors.

Here's the host of the Dating Game, Jim Lange. Will true love be found today, and who will find it? Let's meet tonight's bachelorette:

Her name is Sharon, and she's an aspiring Evangelical starlet! But in the meanwhile, she's a cocktail waitress for the faculty lounge at the Los Angeles Theological Playboy Seminary. She's currently working on a theology degree there and numbers exegesis, roller disco, beachside walks, and fireside conversations of scripture among her passions. Her perfect Mr. Right will help her understand the Bible and the proper usage thereof.

Let's meet tonight's bachelors, who by sheer conincidence hail from a certain Reformed Catholic group.

Bachelor #1 is a student at a leading ultra-elite undergraduate institution in Wyoming, where he's pursuing the field of "General Medieval Conciliar Rhetorical Polemic in Rome During the Latter Part of Year 1452."

Bachelor #2 is a successful soda salesman and is looking for that perfect somebody with whom to talk theology as he counts the cash that floods his business on an hourly basis!

Bachelor #3 is a teacher with multiple doctorates in New Testament, Old Testament, Patristics, Greek, Hebrew, Missiology, Ecclesiology, Mathematical Statistics, and Nuclear Physics, just to mention a few of them.

Jim Lange: Sharon, say hi to our eager bachelors.

Sharon: Hi there, bachelors!

Bachelors: Hi there, Sharon!

Bachelor #3: Just a quick interjection --- did you know that I have multiple doctorates in among other things New Testament, Old Testament, Patristics, Greek, Hebrew, Missiology, Eccelsiology, and Nuclear Physics? Did you also know that there are a total of 47,602 footnotes combined in all of my doctoral dissertations? I've had secret closed-yacht meetings with L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Sea Org. Just thought that would help you make your decision.

Sharon [giggling]: Thanks for the info, #3.

Jim Lange: We all know how this works. Sharon will ask the bachelors a few questions, and each will answer. Sharon will make her choice of bachelors based on these questions. And, Johnny Jacobs, what will the bachelorette and one of these lucky bachelors win?

Johnny: They'll win 3-day 2-night trip to Dallas Theological Seminary, where they will sit in on lectures covering the usages of the Greek participle. They'll stay at the lovely Motel 6, and each will receive a volume of their choice from the NICNT commentary series!

Jim Lange: Man oh man, Johnny, that is HOT! [wipes forehead with hankie tucked in his crushed velvet tuxedo] Well, let's get started with some questions. Fire away, Sharon.

Sharon: [giggles]'s a 95-degree day and I'm a soft-serve vanilla ice cream cone. What would you do to me? [giggles again]

#1: You're already turning into a PROPOSITION-HEAD!! Why do I set myself for these silly questions over MERE PROPOSITIONS BEAMED BETWEEN GNOSTIC DISEMBODIED MINDS that don't have any physical context whatsoever. Oh yes, Sharon, you may think in your simplistic Bible-college mentality that "ice cream cone" signifies something that EXISTS outside OF THE TEXT, but you're just reading in your modern Reformed "I-hate-Rome-at-all-costs-because-that-is-what-I'm-taught-to-do-since-I-don't-consider-the-historical-context-of-the-Westminster-Confession" attitude into things. You probably hate matter too, preferring to SPIRITUALIZE EVERYTHING THAT IS MATERIAL as you do your PURE OBJECTIVE EXEGESIS that is ASSUMPTION-FREE. I mean, this latest book I've read DECONSTRUCTS your failed modernist epistemology relative to ----

Jim Lange: Time's up, Bachelor #1. Bachelor #2, your turn:

#2: The fact that it is 95 degrees as well as the fact that the cone is a vanilla soft-serve cone is completely irrelevant [snicker snicker]. What I want to know is, WERE YOU BAPTIZED IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST?

Jim Lange: Uh, Bachelor #2, you can't ask questions --- you have to answer the question.

#2: Well, [thinking], before dealing with your hypothetical construct of yourself as an ice-cream cone, I'd first have to prepare my palate with the appropriate choice of beverage. Should I prepare my palate with Nehi Grape or a European import of Shasta-Lime or a mixture of Coca-Cola with Dr. Pepper or....[seems to fade away in thought]

Jim Lange: Bachelor #2? Bachelor #2? Oh, he's lost in thought. Oh well, Bachelor #3!

#3: As somebody who teaches Greek at the university level, I always get a chuckle when somebody brings up vanilla ice cream cones. No competent Evangelical scholar would consume you [don't make me give names] --- only the internet pop apologists and pop theologists [we shan't mention names] would eat the cone, and they'd need it spoon-fed to them in the same manner in which what they learned was spoon-fed to them in seminary. I on the other hand, would have the greater nuance that my superior education and 18+ REAL doctorates [I mention this for certain internet apologists with mail-order doctorates] allow. First, I'd allow you-as-the-ice-cream-cone to have a real cooling and hunger-removing efficacy, unlike those horned and cloven-hooved Baptists who run around parading their spiritual bastardhood relative to the Reformation by claiming that the ice cream cone only symbolizes cooling and the fulfillment of the snacking urge.

Jim Lange: Wow, Bachelor #3, you're one educated guy!

#3: Yes I am, I truly am, let the world know. I'm not on the Bhagwan's cell phone autodial for nothing!

Jim Lange: OK, Sharon, that's one question down. You have a few more, right?

Sharon: [giggles] Right, Jim. OK, bachelors. You're sitting next to me in a convertible parked on the top of the hills overlooking LA. We're going through Romans and you notice that I've put my hand on your knee as your elucidating the various Pauline usages of "baptism" in Rom 6. What do you do?

Jim Lange: Bachelor #2, your turn to go first.

#2: Heh, snark, heh, snark, heh, snark, heh heh snark snark. You're acting as if our primary duty is to properly exegete scripture! Heck, with your grammatical-historical method [don't deny you use it!] you probably think that you have hermeneutics down to a science, even though the ancients would've done things that would disturb your modernist construct. All that matters is knowing and obeying Christ, mind you. Not that I'm saying your seminary education is a bad thing, but what I am trying to say is that you don't seem to realize is that there weren't seminaries in the NT days, so, even as you put your hand on my knee, I'd have to correct your strict solo scriptura view in the interest of catholicity. But if your hand on my knee is symbolic of union and catholicity, contrary to what I consider to be the real motivation for your putting it on my knee, I could go for that in a certain way, yes.

Jim Lange: Bachelor #3, your turn.

#3: Ah, baptism. Isn't it funny how people who call themselves "Baptists" [and are clearly less educated than I am --- have I reminded you of my multiple doctorates and of the fact that I teach Greek at a university?!] deny the regenerative character of it? I mean, a clearer demonstration of the fact that Baptists are the illegitmate bastard children of the Reformation could not be given. Now how does this apply to your putting your hand on my knee? Well, it clearly does --- if you had multiple doctorates and taught Greek, you'd clearly see that there is a connection here. And the longer your failure to see the connection of my answer to your scenario continues, the more you reveal that you have (at best) a sophomoric understanding of the original language of the New Testament, not to mention the other 24 areas in which I claim expertise, beating everybody as if they're red-headed stepchildren. I would advise you to save yourself further embarrassment and leave technical discussions of Greek to those who teach the language, and have demonstrated a meaningful degree of proficiency in the field. In the meanwhile, you might be well served to go back to your cave and dust off a good elementary grammar and re-familiarize yourself with the basics of New Testament Greek. After that, assuming you adopt the correct posture that recognizes my 18+ doctorates and accepts the connection between Baptist bastardization and your putting your hand on my knee, I'll be glad to educate you, just as I tried to do with my secret-Brooklyn-parking-garage meetings with the higher-ups of the Watchtower Society.

Jim Lange: Bachelor #3, that isn't a very nice answer!

#3: I mean it in Christian love. If I imply that she's an idiot [even though I want her to pick me], I mean so in a loving way. She should be privileged to be called a fool from somebody with multiple doctorates who teaches Greek! You know, the 47,000+ footnotes and all...being the Earthling pointman for the aliens regarding the upcoming Martian invasion...

Sharon: [looks rather perplexed at Phil's answer] OK, Bachelor #1? My hand is on your knee, remember! [giggles]

#1: Oh right. What do I think? Do I think that I have some rocket-science PhD-in-quantum-mechanics understanding about how to parse the statement "Your hand is on my knee"? I freely acknowledge that I don't, but I DO NOT CONFUSE "THIS" WITH UNDERSTANDING "THE TEXT" IN MY MODERNISTIC VACUUM THAT DENIES ANY SORT OF PRESUPPOSITIONAL FRAMEWORK. Your hand on my knee is a phenomenon that Dr Svendsen can probably parse, but he FAILS to UNDERSTAND that "interpretation" is a COMMUNITY VENTURE. Instead, he and others who shall go nameless act as if BY THEMSELVES THEY CAN GET IN YOUR HEAD and, with their superior anti-material radical sectarian Baptist gnosticism [see it says as much in the latest book I'm reading --- would you like to come upstairs and see my annotated notes regarding this book?], they anathematize those in a holier-than-thou spirit who "misinterpret" according to their narrow ultra-"exegetical" "views" just why you're "putting your" hand on their knee!

Sharon: Jim, I'm confused.

Jim Lange: [again pulling out the hankie from the pocket of his crushed velvet tuxedo and wiping his head] Me too, too. Oh well, I think you have time for one more question, Sharon.

Sharon: OK. We're studying scripture by the fireplace, Barry White is playing in the background, and you want to put me "in the mood." What part of scripture would you read to me to, y'know, steal my heart?

Jim Lange: Bachelor #3 goes first this time.

#3: Don't my multiple doctorates already steal your heart? What about the 47,602 combined footnoes in my dissertations? Oh very well then, I'll condescend from the ivory tower to answer your question. I'd pull out a grammar and talk about all of the usages of the preposition eis. But you should already be wanting to choose me because I'm not one of those pop-apologists, but instead, have multiple doctorates and close to 50,000 footnotes in my dissertations. Have I not mentioned this yet? Doctorates and footnotes? Footnotes and doctorates? 50,000? Travelled back in time to hold secret closed-cave meetings with the higher-ups from the 2nd century Gnostics? Teaches Greek?

#1: You just can't shake your insistence on an Enlightement-styled Baconism that links not only to Cartesianism, but also has a direct impact on today's high gasoline prices [not to mention the Cubs' collapse in the 2003 National League playoffs and the cancellation of Enterprise] due to the bastardization of Scottish Common Sense Realism that the Baconian-styled Cartesianism implied, can you?! For me to read scripture to you implies that I am a slave to the "Enlightenment project," whereby I place "myself" as an "autonomous" creature with "universal reason" guiding his "true-beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt-presuppositions." You might as well be a neo-Kantian literalist with a Hobbesian streak and a dash of Mill, Derrida, and Lyotard thrown in. MAN OH MAN WHAT A BLOCKHEAD I AM FOR LETTING MYSELF GET CAUGHT UP IN ALL THESE QUESTIONS!! I need to go back to reading my Noll!

#2: heh snark NT Wright snark heh NT Wright heh heh.

Sharon: is that your answer Bachelor #2?

#2: heh snark NT Wright snark heh NT Wright heh heh.

Jim Lange: We'll take that as meaning yes.

#1 [forcefully interjecting]: that's YOUR interpretation Jim! Why don't you go beam that proposition to other minds while you're at it just like those Evangelical know-nothings! You're ignoring "the" COMMUNITY's interpretation of "heh snark NT Wright snark heh NT Wright heh heh" and denigrating everything outside of the field of "pure Biblical exegesis." Did you too go to a Bible college where they don't do anything but "purely" interpret the scriptures and manifest disdain towards "everything not in scripture" ?!

Jim Lange: [again pulls out hankie from aformentioned crushed velvet tuxedo jacket]...OK Sharon, you've seen three of LA's finest bachelors...who's the lucky bachelor going to be?

Sharon: I think.....I think..... I'm going to be a nun instead...

Jim Lange: We'll dispense with the Dating Game Kiss for a word from Turtle Wax, for that year-round shine on your car!

[Disclaimer: all characters are fictional, and any resemblance to actual living, breathing people who may in fact be married while manifesting the traits spelled out in this over-the-top parody is strictly conincidental. This has, of course, been a Chuck Barris production --- at least that is his CIA cover-story!]


Blogger JIBBS said...


Monday, September 05, 2005 1:28:00 PM  
Anonymous derfuersprecher said...

dude, you have way too much time on your hands these days!


Monday, September 05, 2005 5:37:00 PM  
Blogger centuri0n said...

I hate you for steeling my blog ideas.

I also hate you for not making either me or you one of the batchelors. However, you could redeem yourself by making a sencond installment where the batch's are you, me and Steve Hays.

I'm going to reprimand you with a comic book cover.

Monday, September 05, 2005 8:16:00 PM  
Blogger JIBBS said...

Speaking of comic book covers....

Here's a true graffiti job.

Monday, September 05, 2005 9:38:00 PM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

I suppose it would only be fair to turn the parody guns on my own little circle of curmudgeons.

I could parody myself, and could probably parody you. But I'd need help in doing parody of Hays.

Monday, September 05, 2005 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger centuri0n said...

A parody of Hays would be just like a Parody of Prejean -- except you'd use Reformed words rather than pomo/catholic words. And you'd use quotes of other people *A*LOT*.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 11:53:00 AM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

So Frank, just how would you parody me? And how would you parody yourself?

If you do make PP the subject of a comic book parody, try Howard the Duck...that about matches me.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger steve said...

As to a parody of me, the challenge is to do a parody of a parody.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 1:39:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home