Thursday, September 22, 2005

Memo to Mr. Vince McMahon

The structure of Romans 1-8 is important, as this blog has been occupied with the central epistle of the Greek New Testament. But, just as important, if not moreso, is my advice --- given here for free --- to the professional wrestling industry. Here is a public memo for a man whose business acumen is something to admire:

*******BEGIN MEMO*******

TO: Mr. Vince McMahon
FROM: The pro-wrasslin' loving faction in the Pedantic Protestant writing staff
REGARDING: Let's make wrestling fun to watch once more!

Pro wrestling, something with which I grew up with in the 70's and the ever-glorious 1980's, and enjoyed even up through the late 1990's, has gotten rather stale. It is time for the major promotions to try something new instead of the stale and old gimmicks they recycle every other year.

Here are some new ideas that perhaps your pro wrestling promotion could implement, thereby making my post-workout maximum-veg channel surfing more interesting:

(1) I've never, positively ever seen the referee get knocked out by a blow from the heel. And, I've never seen the heel's manager whack the babyface with a steel chair while the ref is knocked out, in turn knocking out cold the babyface. And I've never seen the referee come to consciousness right after the babyface is knocked over the head with a steel chair and give the three-count to the heel's pin of the babyface, thereby winning the match for the heel. Never seen anything like it.

(2) I've never, positively ever seen, in the middle of a singles pro wrestling match, a bunch of heels run in from the locker room and gang up on the 'face. Never seen anything like it.

(3) I've never, positively ever seen, a tag-team partner suddenly turn on his partner, beginning a feud that will culminate in the $50 pay-per-view match on cable. You'd think the wrestling outfits would have thought of this years ago.

(4) I've never seen the bad guy's manager distract the ref while the bad guy pulls a foreign object out of his tights to knock out the good guy.

(5) I've never seen two guys fight over a hot chick before. You'd think that after all these years somebody in your most excellent promotions would have figured out that love triangles make great plotlines.

(6) I've never seen the good guy [Hulk Hogan cough cough cough] get absolutely mauled for fifteen minutes straight, whereupon after this mauling, instead of being pronounced clinically dead by any competent physician, he suddenly "Hulks" up, and in thirty seconds turns the table on the bad guy, finishing him off, despite inflicting only 1% of the pain in the match.

(7) I've never seen chiselled guys with attitudes talk trash backstage. They need to market these guys more.

(8) I don't recall having ever seen a heel pick on some "random" kiddie in the crowd at ringside, only to be saved by the babyface running from backstage.

(9) I've never seen wrestling trivialize itself by forming marketing associations with celebrities.

I can assure you that seeing any of these suggestions implemented would cause me to mark out, like, totally, to the max. But perhaps these suggestions are too far-fetched, so I offer them most humbly, as a fan who craves something new.

******END MEMO*****

[Remember, dear readers --- it isn't just any blog that can talk about Romans one day and pro wrestling the next! :-) ]


Blogger centuri0n said...

Listen: complaining about the problem without offering any solutions is anti-wrestling. There are only so many variations on the theme.

Here are my top-5 suggestions to improve pro wrestling as a whole:

(1) You mock the celebrity/wrestler marketing axis for building interest, but tell me would wouldn't pay $50 to see Bruce Willis drag Ashton Kutcher's body to the center of the steel cage for the 3-count.

(2) At the same time, why not let Britney Spears have the final word with Christina Aguilera as to who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?

(3) Not to demonstrate an obsession with Willis here, but watch "Hostage" and then think to yourself, "what would a wrestler do if put into Willis' character's shoes?"

(4) I think there is gigantic opportunity to turn all of Ayn Rand's novels into wrestling epics. You'd have to take some liberty with the texts, but it would make the fight scenes more motivationally-believable.

(5) Jennifer Lopez vs. Jennifer Garner: winner gets Ben. Maybe loser gets Ben.

And then, of course, there is the steel cage match between centuri0n and {name censored} that McMahon has been trying to sign for years to resolve the matter of whether "anti-Catholic" is a term implying bigotry and not just disagreement. I've been telling McMahon that if anybody gets hurt, both sides lose, but he keeps putting that 7-figure number on the payout line, and I'm just a poor, country bookseller ...

Monday, September 26, 2005 4:57:00 AM  

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