Monday, October 31, 2005

Exe-Jesus

At lunch, the ground meat from my Manwich fell on my plate, and the glob resembled the Blessed Virgin Herself. After this, I saw the word "Mary" in the newspaper, so it appears the Blessed Assumed Sinless Mother of God has Herself put me on another apostolic mission to the benighted Prots out there.

Today's lesson: Exegesis 101.

First point: whenever you see the word "church" in your Bibles, it means ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. Therefore, when scripture says that the church is the pillar and foundation of all truth, it is clearly saying [beyond any shadow of a doubt] that THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH IS THE PILLAR AND FOUNDATION OF ALL TRUTH. My Scott Hahn audiotapes makes this point nicely. You know that Scott Hahn was one a Protestant who saw the light of Rome, right? He's smart. You're not.

Second point: whenever Peter is discussed in scripture, realize that WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE PAPACY. And, any statement about Peter is to be interpreted as a statement of Petrine primacy. After all, Peter was the first pope, so of course the NT has to be chock full of references of Petrine primacy. And when I say "Petrine primacy" you are not completely in the truth until you equivocate that with "THE ROMAN CATHOLIC PAPACY AS WE KNOW IT TODAY."

Example: recall the gospel reference about Jesus using Peter's boat.

Exegesis: This proves the papacy. This proves that Peter is the first pope. This proves that Jesus entrusted to Peter the attributes of the Papacy as we know it today. This passage by itself proves everything Rome says.

Defense of the Exegesis: Jesus could have used many other boats. But He used Peter's boat. I'm annoyed that anybody would even question this exegesis. This is why my priest and my fellow internet Roman apologists say that Prots are just flat-out silly.

OK, silly Prots, here is a homework assignment. Find three [that is the number after two, but before four] references to Peter in the NT [that's in the back of your Bibles after the OT and Apocrypha] and prove the papacy from them, carefully exegeting the text as I've shown you. This is for your souls, fools! Be like Nike and JUST DO IT.

7 Comments:

Blogger Progressive Christian said...

This is really mean, hateful, and intolerant.

You should be ashamed of yourself. But, since your an intolerant fundamentalist, you are probably proud of yourself.

Catholics are our sisters and brothers in Christ, at least the liberal ones who shed their superstitious thinking.

I apologize to all who are offended for this clown's silly site.

Monday, October 31, 2005 4:28:00 PM  
Blogger Rhology said...

Whoa! ReverAnd James Jackson, is that you?

Monday, October 31, 2005 7:23:00 PM  
Blogger Rev. James Jackson said...

No, I am not involved. I like his style though.

Monday, October 31, 2005 8:09:00 PM  
Blogger Progressive Christian said...

Rev. Jackson --- I'm one of your biggest fans. I'm honored to meet you, almost as much as I was when I met somebody who knew somebody whose third cousin had a friend how heard of somebody who met that great visionary Bishop Spong.

Monday, October 31, 2005 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger Progressive Christian said...

Oh, Rev Jackson, please let me tap into your expertise. I notice that at my church-grotto-meeting-hall-assembly-coven, we seem to be underrepresented in the left-handed bisexual eco-friendly Chicana demographic. Jesus/Krishna/Buddha would not approve of this.

Any suggestions as to be more representative of the population?

Monday, October 31, 2005 11:26:00 PM  
Blogger Rev. James Jackson said...

pc,
Bishop Spong is certainly a hero of many and rightly so. I am actually close friends with him. We usually spend a week together during the summer to discuss our plans to make Christianity more relevant.

Regarding your diversity, I have found that the best way to increase your diversity is through slogans. The first thing that I did was added the rainbow flag to my sign. The second thing was I insisted that our church refer to ourselves as "An Inclusive Community". That makes people feel more at home. Other than that pray, just pray that God would end the racial hatred that plagues our churches.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 8:34:00 AM  
Blogger Progressive Christian said...

Rev. Jackson --- the only problem with a rainbow sign is the placement of the color. Some people put yellow on top of their rainbow flag, some redneck will think I'm showing solidarity with Asians. Other people put red on the top, which shows solidarity with oppressed Native Americans. Other people put brown on top, which shows solidarity with people of color.

But if I put a color at the top of the rainbow flag, the groups represented by the colors below will not feel equal, and Progressive Christianity is all about equality, peace, justice, and human rights. That's what Jesus stood for [as well as abortion-on-demand too, let's be sure about that].

So how do I make an egalitarian rainbow logo that simultaneously makes everybody feel special and accepted while showing that they're all equal?

This question keeps me up at night.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 11:04:00 AM  

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