Monday, October 31, 2005

Witches and Warlocks and Goblins and Ogres and Trolls, Oh My!

On this day, certain people celebrate warlocks, ghosts, monsters, the undead, ogres, and all things evil. They do this as if these evil things are cute, desirable, or even good.

I'm not talking about Halloween. I'm talking about Reformation Day, that blight on the calendar where those goofy Scripture-alone anarchists known as "Protestants" celebrate figures such as Martin Luther, John Calvin, and the other heretics who attempted to pull down Holy Mother Church.

You can spot them by such slogans as "justification by faith alone through grace alone." They're a nasty and hairy breed, and they're roasting in Hell right now. I love reading those anathemas from the Council of Trent. It just warms my bones to read "let him be anathema" over and over.

And, as a final encouragement to my faithful and beloved fellow Catholic readers, let me read some exhortatory material off of my upcoming book "743 Reasons To Be Roman Catholic." It is up to date on the latest scholarship. [I not only used Google, but I also used Yahoo! and Webcrawler to do my research, not to mention the dictionary in the back of my Bible. But even with these factors, I've tried to keep things on the level of the lay-person since I'm not out to impress people with my erudition.]

#531: Catholics have better pancake breakfasts than Protestants.

#56: Our priests tell better jokes.

#699: We have those really nice Scott Hahn audiotape sets. You've heard of Hahn, right?

#142: Enoch was Roman Catholic, and if Enoch is Roman Catholic, then we should all be Roman Catholic too. [Source: Roman Catholic Bible Stories for Children, pp 3, 15-17. Translated from the original Latin by S. Hays.]

#535: Jesus used Peter's boat, not somebody else's boat, and plenty o' fish were caught. This clearly is strong evidence for the Roman Catholic papacy as we know it today, which means that you should be Roman Catholic. [See exegetical post a few threads below.]

#700: Paul was sent forth by Peter. It isn't the other way around. This again proves the Petrine Papacy beyond any shadow of a doubt.

I'm negotiating over royalties and such with the publisher presently, which is delaying the publishing of this book. [It has received the imprimatur and nihil obstat. I'm hoping the pope can write a foreword too.] Also, EWTN wants to make this into an 8-part miniseries, and we're negotiating over creative control issues. Look for it soon, though. Refute those Protestants who cast dark clouds over your life with these books! Mother Church says that these books which uphold Mother Church are correct insofar as they interpret scripture, so you don't need to evaluate scripture for yourself --- just trust Her, OK, and bask in the wealth of truth.

Have an unhappy Reformation Day, Prots!

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFLOL ... this stuff is hilarious!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 6:08:00 AM  
Blogger c.t. said...

In your fourteenth paper (v. Jibbles) you stated reason #142 as being documented from from a completely different source, but now I see you've changed your tune. Evidence that you're making this up to impress your audience with scholarly aura-ness.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger c.t. said...

I dug it up. You originally footnoted reason #142 to a decorative plate.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 9:12:00 AM  

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