Tuesday, October 04, 2005

You Heard It Here First!!

This week is rather busy, so I'll have to go lightweight on posts for a few days, but, I can offer my dear readers some titillating facts that, until now, have been shrouded in secrecy, conspiracy, and mystery.

I performed a gematria-related analysis on my Greek New Testament, assigning the Greek letters numerical values and looking for vertical, horizontal, and diagonal patterns in the text. I then consulted Madame Wanda, the chiromancer and numerologist who lives down the street [hey, it was only $20] for numerological advice. Upon doing this, I went through the numerology section of R. Buckminster Fuller's Synergetics [Section 1200 IIRC], and then incorporated his insights back on the gematria-related analysis of my UBS 4th Ed. Greek NT. Discarding entries that didn't involve mathematical combinations of large prime numbers, my analysis has put forth the following profundities, which I now share with dear readers in the hopes that perhaps, for once, I may give a novel and profound post, as compared with the derivative been-there-done-that stuff that populates most of this site.

Profundities from the analysis:

(1) Pro wrestling is FAKE. That's right. When Hulk Hogan escaped the Iron Sheik's deadly "camel clutch" submission hold back at Madison Square Garden in '83 to win the WWF Heavyweight Title, IT WAS NOT REAL --- IT WAS FAKE. The sound you hear from where you're sitting is that of my entire worldview collapsing --- this indeed was one of the lynchpins.

(2) Politicians use your tax money to buy the votes of whiny constituent groups. We all used to think that politicians acted on principle, but if my gematria is correct, it turns out that your tax dollars are used to fund people who have money and influence on politicians. The improbable nature of this result makes me doubt my analysis, but after double- and triple-checking, I can't find a mistake.

(3) Many baseball players used steroids. Wow!! And I thought those inflated home-run numbers were just flukes from guys who ate their Wheaties.


(4) Paul Lynde, the brilliant center square guy from the Hollywood Squares, was gay. Wow, I'm waiting for somebody to yell YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!





(5) California is a breeding ground for socialist loony-tunes types. You know, I moved back here figuring that I'd have low taxes, low regulation, and people would just be dying to play Bible Scrabble and have cookies with me on Saturday nights.

(6) Criminals would prefer an unarmed citizenry. Of course, this flies in the face of the prevailing wisdom that criminals prefer an armed citizenry because citizens who fight back "make things more interesting," but, we must accept even the far-fetched claims of the analysis, lest we be guilty of picking and choosing.

(7) Oprah is a bunch of New-Age feel-good fluff. Wow, but she's sooooo successful. Doesn't the fact that she's rich and popular make her pronouncements on spirituality ipso facto true? I sure thought so!

I could go on, but I don't want to get pulled any deeper into the rabbit hole. These truths have rocked my worldview, and I find myself to be a rattled man, having his worked-out worldview crumble down around him. If there is a God, may He give me certainty in these days of doubt that render my spirit asunder. On the other hand, maybe in the end, I'll become a Scientologist instead.

[Additional thanks to Miss Cleo.]

6 Comments:

Blogger centuri0n said...

Paul Lind was not gay. You're a liar. Don't tell me Uncle Arthur was gay!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 8:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If gematria is as true as it looks that would mean that Scrable is the true path to holines and trueth. It would also mean I'm in trouble sence I'm terible at Scrable.

That was Gold dude, pure Gold.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 2:46:00 PM  
Blogger Richard Froggatt said...

I used the same system to figure out Sola Scriptura was false.

Acually I just stopped by to say I was sorry for bustin in on your blog the way I did.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 8:37:00 PM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

You don't owe an apology at all, Frogg. One puts stuff up at a blog, and one shouldn't feel scandalized if some people disagree. No wilting flowers here [so we claim].

And to El Turko Guapo, he of the holy aura that I lack, I have a firm source that says, yes, Paul Lynde, he of the sharp-witted retort, played for the other team.

And, Frank, what's a good Baptist like you doing watching Bewitched? You probably watched every episode of Cheers as well, even though that show took place in a bar, where they served........ALCOHOL!!

Ah, Frank, I hardly knew ye.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 10:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Montster said...

I remember Lind on a Carol Burnett skit, when, after a puff of smoke dissapated, Lind was dressed as the devil. Burnett say's: "where you from?
Lind: "I'm from heck"
C.B.: "What's it like there?"
In typical Lind fashion: Oh it's
HHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLL!
(I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY!)
Great blog!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 2:50:00 AM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

Paul Lynde was simply hilarious. Somebody used the perfect word to describe him: "sassy."

I'd love to bring him to some stodgy German Lutheran get-together. That would be PRICELESS. Imagine a bunch of humorless pietests being besieged with double-entendres....ah, a man can always dream. :-)

Thursday, October 06, 2005 1:13:00 AM  

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