Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Pedantic Papist Mailbag

Here are some emails I've received from friend and foe alike. I've changed names slightly to protect the innocent.

Dear PedPap:

How can you, being a self-appointed internet apologist, speak for Rome and make a case for Rome when Rome is an institution in which institutional standing matters?

P. Prot*st**t

I *do* have institutional standing. I was the Third Assistant to the Secretary to the Vice-Chairman for the St Alphonso's Pancake Breakfast Subcommittee, which answers to the prize fund directrix who runs the St Alphonso's Bingo Night Ladies' Auxiliary. That's not quite being the pope, but it is better than you deserve. They're too busy being guided by the Holy Spirit.

As for my education, I don't know Greek, nor Hebrew, but I do read Our Sunday Visitor and have used Strong's Concordance four, no ---- make that five times in my life, so I'm familiar with what it takes to do real Biblical study. I also have watched most of the episodes of that Chesterton show on EWTN. Plus, I surround myself with the best and brightest of Catholic internet apologetics, so I'm well flanked.

I'm still working on the narcissism angle, though, whereby I personalize everything and scream "Anti-Catholic!" and "Bigot!" and "Hatemonger!" whenever anybody argues against my position. We're all victims, you know. The world hates us.

Dear Pedantic Papist:

Love you, love your work!

Yours in ever-increasing catholicity,
The Fun-luvin' Gang at Reformed Catholicism dot com

Ah, you see --- these guys GET IT! They still try to exegete too much, but, baby steps, baby steps, one at a time, and then you can walk, and then you can run.

Dear Pedantic Papist:

I'm offended at your brand of oddball "humour." You're making fun of Catholics, and we all know it! I'm not reading you anymore!

A former reader, friend, and aspiring crazy cat lady,
Midwest, USA

Whoa! What the?!?! I'm merely using arguments that my fellow internet Roman Catholic apologists make. As intelligent as I am, and as much as I'd like to claim credit, I must be honest and state that I wasn't the one who came up with the winning "Jesus used Peter's boat" argument for the papacy. Wish I had been that guy or gal, though.

Also, I'm not the one who decided that every reference to "church" and "tradition" automatically means "Roman Catholic Church c. 2005" and "The Latest Roman Catholic View of Tradition," respectively. I learned that from the Roman Catholics I've dealt with over the years.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're truly a real Catholic or not.

Yo Papi:

What do you say about all of those pro-abortion politicians who still commune and call themselves Roman Catholic with the bishops doing nothing of substance about it [apart from empty threats and gestures]? How can you say they're not "real" Catholics if the bishops, priests, etc don't excommunicate them.

CenturyMan, Deep South

People can be communicants of Rome and still not be real Catholics. But this in no way affects our supreme unity, the unity Jesus prayed for when He asked "if they might be one." Got that? Think about it really hard...

So, have you come up with a single clear instance that overturns my "heos hou" thesis?

Erich von Svendesson,
Somewhere in the Mountains, USA

We don't need to, dummy. We already know that Mary remained ever virgin. Read the Church teachings. Sheesh. You act like we need justification for this from the Biblical texts. We don't. Deal with it and move on already.

To my new friend, the Pedantic Papist:

KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK! Those yellow-bellied Prots can't chew gum and walk at the same time. They're stupid. It's a miracle they can even reproduce, but, with Mary's help, and with the exhortation of all the saints, we'll kick the crap out of the little bastards one day!

In Our Mother,
Padded Cell #A135, Undisclosed Mental Facility in the USA

I think I've found a soulmate. I knew Art was a brilliant man when he connected one of the Godel Incompleteness Theorems to Sola Scriptura. No normal person would make that connection between a theorem of metamathematical logic and a discussion of Biblical authority. But Art did. That's why he's in a different category than "normal." But, oh, I do gush too much...

Dear Pedantic Papist:

Please tell us how you converted from being the Pedantic Protestant [the dark side] to being the Pedantic Papist!

The Surprised by Truth Editorial Committee

I'd be glad to provide my conversion story.

Being a Protestant meant that I had to study scripture. And, to be frank, it always seemed like Catholics had a much easier time of it. Whereas I had to learn the languages, read commentaries, and evaluate arguments for myself, my Catholic friends [who put up with me despite my Protestantism] never had to do any sort of stuff. They just had the answers given to them. I've since gotten rid of my commentaries, grammars, etc, and I notice I have a lot more time on my hands now. I save the tuff questions for my INFALLIBLE ARBITER who provides certainty for me.

I also read at some Catholic site that Luther smelled and had mental problems. This of course automatically disqualifies him from any rational consideration on every single point.

Then I read somewhere that the obscure 8th century scholarly sect The Malachoi once said something that might possibly be in accordance with what Rome teaches. This showed me [as if I needed any more proof] that Rome has an unbroken chain of succession back to the apostles themselves!

I got the same warm fuzzies praying my Hail Mary that Scott Hahn reported for himself. Now, it is true that I had a seven-layer burrito and a Mountain Dew from the Taco Bell drive-thru fifteen minutes before the prayer, but again, only a sceptic would get in the way of letting external feelings be a guide to truth.

I also get to keep these really cool vials of holy water around the house. When I was a Protestant, I was helpless against vampires, but now, if a vampire attacks, I'm ready to give 'em a squirt of the holy sauce. So, I appreciate Catholicism for the built-in vampiric defense mechanism it provides.


The schtick is getting really old. Drop it. Drop it NOW.


You act as if this is my online Halloween costume or something. No, this is the real me, babe! Surprised by Truth!


Anonymous Jim Rome said...

Dear Pedantic Papist,

This whole mailbag thing does me proud. Keep up the burning.

Stuff it,
Jim Rome

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 2:41:00 PM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

Rack him!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 2:47:00 PM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

I should've ended the whole thread with "I'm out!" to keep in line with your idiom.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 2:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Jim Rome said...

Whoa, that's anaBOLic!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 8:51:00 PM  
Blogger steve said...

This is a deeply sinful post--sinful, I say, because you are tempting me to sin. I makes me envious that I don't get quality hate mail like this. What makes you so special? What are you doing right and I'm doing wrong that I don't get hate mail of this caliber. ?You're just flaunting your hate-mail, you shameless show-off, you! You're trying to make the rest of us little people in the blogosphere feel like the small, insignificant peons that we really are. Well, just don't let all that upper crusty hate-mail go to your head and make you start puttin' on airs and feel important about yourself just because, because...oh, forget it!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 5:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Lil said...

Have you gone crazy?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 10:55:00 AM  

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