Saturday, November 12, 2005

PP Comes Out of the Closet

I'm tired of living in today's culture and feeling as if I'm a second-class citizen.

I'm tired of promulgating a lie and having to hide portions of my life in shadows.

I'm tired of all the secrecy.

Today, I strike a blow for tolerance and self-affirmation. I realize that bigots and people with all sorts of hangups will whisper about me behind their backs, but I cannot hold it in anymore.

I'm going to live my life as I see fit, modern sensibilities be damned.

Thus, to the world, I make the following confession bold statement:

I rather fancy women. And some of them rather fancy me.

This will only enflame the heterophobes out there. I expect hate-mail and threats to beat me up outside of heterosexual establishments, such as sports bars and ACE Hardware stores. This will make people think I'm fashion-challenged, not to mention that many might believe I'm deficient at interior decorating. This will cause people to think that my nails aren't evenly filed nor are my cuticles pushed back properly. Even worse, people might think that I have a hair or two on my shoulder, back, or chest.

But, I bravely press on in a world that would prefer my kind to be silent. I want the world to know that I too groom well, dress well, and put my spices back on the spice rack when I'm done. I clean my ears daily. I too like musicals and can admit that a guy is a good-lookin' dude. And I'm just as hip. I'm taking my courageous stand to Oprah, Jerry Springer, Al Franken, and to whatever progressive visionaries can help me disseminate my newly found purpose in life.

It isn't all about sex. I don't think about sex with women 24/7. My heterosexuality is more than that --- it is a statement about the totality of me. Those who reduce me to "sex with women" are merely showing forth their ignorance and hate.

Someday, it will be permissible for heterosexuals in popular culture to come out and live openly, without fear of being told that we're deficient, needing homosexuals and bisexuals to dress us, decorate our houses, or teach us how to fully find ourselves. But until that day comes, I will just have to be a brave pioneer, a voice in the wilderness, striking a blow for tolerance.

Take me as I am, or don't take me at all.


Anonymous Diane said...

So, tell us, what do heterosexual men think about (if they're not thinking about sex with women)? After all, they are probably the only ones that we haven't heard in the tabloids or the media.

Also, aren't you afraid that this might hurt you in your career? After all, much better to be a victim group member than to be a heterosexual male in today's job market (job performance is unimportant).

Sunday, November 13, 2005 12:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Living aside, of course, that your rhetorical shoe-on-the-other-foot scenario has no meaningful real-world phenomena backing it up, unlike discrimination (and violence) against homosexuals...

Sunday, November 13, 2005 5:38:00 PM  
Blogger Rhology said...

You and your fancy women can just leave the country!
I like plain women much better.

Monday, November 14, 2005 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger Pedantic Protestant said...

Well Rhology, it is hard to get work done around the PP site with all of the Pedantic Protestantista groupies.

You know you've made it when beautiful women get a "PP" tattoo!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 5:05:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home